Sunday, February 16, 2003

This was supposed to be short ... but he's still fabulous.

When you are 21, you should type out your words and not use things like "b4." It is "before." It is not cute when you do it the other way.

Also, mistakes are sometimes made, but blatent grammatically errors are unforgiveable. Use capital letters. Use punctuation correctly. I understand that not everyone knows how to use ellipses correctly because I'm probably the only person in the whole world who actually learned those rules in high school; however, you have to know that this sentence is not correct: "we went to the mall today.......itw as fabulous!!!!!! he's so dreamy and then he brought me 2 my favorite was a perfect day!!!!"

That's not cool. Who wants to read that? I'm serious. Even your best friend has to get sick of the horrible disregard for the English language. It makes you sounds stupid.

Stop it.


Last night, after Greg got me home, he was standing and waiting for Cavan to pick him up and give him a ride home. It's kind of funny: For the first time yesterday morning, I realized that Cavan is pretty attractive.

I've just never looked at him like that before. Well, all right, so I did.

The weird thing is that I knew Cavan when we were freshmen. He was in my English 105 class. I remember reading his essay when we split into partners and proofread each other's work. The thing that stood out to me was that he could actually write. There are so few people who can. Even those who don't write like I just exemplified up there usually don't have a voice and don't know all the grammar rules.

I was impressed by his writing, but I never really talked to him. I was going through my phase where I didn't want to get to know anyone because I thought they'd hate me. You know, the whole self-loathing anti-depressent thing I went through.

So I would see him in the hallway and look away because I couldn't even maintain eye contact, let alone say hello to someone I was only acquainted with.

I thought about him off and on over the years. I mean, it's not been that many years, but that was three years ago. I always wondered what had happened to him, and I actually saw him walking on campus one day last year.

I remember it because I was on the bus and he was walking somewhere. His whole demeanor was changed. Whereas before, he made very small movements, looked down when he walked, and seemed very uncomfortable in his skin (as did I, come to think about it), that was gone. He was standing, looking straight forward, sauntering even. It was the way he was walking that caught my attention. Long, easy strides, as though he loved just being Cavan. It was, I have to say, really attractive. The way he moved spoke volumes of confidence.

Not too much later, I picked up our crappy school newspaper, The Daily and read an opinion article by him. I think I cut it out and put it in the scrapbook that I've worked on exactly twice since I started it. I also wrote this letter to him that I knew I'd never send--it talked about how I wished that we'd become friends and that I always thought he was cool. I was going to put it into my diary but I ended up never getting around to it.

The article that I first read by him was really well written, as most opinion articles in our newspaper aren't. I think I disagreed with whatever he was saying, but it was still so wonderfully written that I loved him for it even more.

I'm linking an article by him that is hanging in Greg's office. It is fucking fabulous. This isn't the article that I read from last year, but it is something that Cavan wrote, and it's fucking fabulous. Link opens in a new window.

This year he became editor of The Daily. Though it's a horrible, horrible newspaper, part of its heinousness last year was the fact that Andrea Houser was editor. She was a bitch, a horrible bitch we all loved to hate. She had ignorant opinions and did things to people out of meanness and spite. She had no sense of humor. We didn't like her.

Well, our newspaper is still pretty stupid and boring, but editor is a pretty lofty position, and Cavan's doing a good job of it. Just the fact that he holds the position now makes him cooler. Only, it's sort of circular: He's cool because he's editor, but the position of editor is only cool because it's held by him. I don't know.


When I met Greg, I had no idea that Cavan was his roommate. When he mentioned it, I got excited beyond belief. It took awhile before I realized that Cavan is gay, and came out only a year or so ago. I wouldn't have guessed it, but then, my gaydar didn't work back when I was a Bible-beating Christian. I mean, I didn't realize Dave was gay and Dave is a flaming, flaming gay man who is living a sad, sad life in the closet.

I was actually nervous about seeing him again, because I was doing this sort of hero-worship. I'm not very many people's fans, but I am Cavan's fan, and continue to be. No matter what he goes on to do, I'm going to be his fan. I don't know why, but I just love him to death.

Anyway, so I was finally re-introduced to him a few months ago. I was actually high at the time, then two days later I had the sex-columnist job interview. That was a little weird, but he said he remembered me from freshman year.

A few weeks ago, Greg, Nate, Cavan, three other people from The Daily, and I went out to eat at this restaurant called Ge-Angelo's. Halfway through dinner, Cavan's phone rang and it was another of his friends. Apparently, the person asked what they were doing because he replied with, "Eating at Ge-Angelo's," and then the person must have asked who he was with because he named everybody and then said, "... and our friend Sami."

I know it's ridiculous, but the fact that he called me his friend made me all happy and giddy. To me, it was like ... I don't know, Chuck Pahalaniuk saying that I was his friend. I'm so enamored with Cavan, it's ridiculous.

So yesterday, I went over to Greg's apartment because we were going to do mechanics. The night before, Cavan had thrown an anti-Valentine's Day party. He was just getting up when I got there at 1 p.m. He walked out in his glasses and these ratty old sweatpants and this grey t-shirt, looking a little disoriented. I said hi and he said hi and we chatted for a moment before he went off to the bathroom. I heard him say to Greg something about how he looked like crap or something, and I thought that was sort of cute that he would care about anyone being there to see him.

But the really ironic thing is that when he came out looking all crappy, I went, "Wow, Cavan's hot." I never realized it before that moment. But then, I love gay men!

Anyway, to complicate the story further, I'm convinced that Cavan has a crush on Greg. I've mentioned this before; the whole thing about Cavan being weird whenever Greg has a date, the fact that he invited Greg to be his guest at the newspaper Christmas party where most people only bring significant others, the whole thing about Cavan being weird whenever Greg has a date. Greg doesn't really want Cavan to have a crush on him, but I do. Since I can't have either of them, and they're both fucking awesome, I want them to have each other.

Which didn't occur to me until ...

Until last night, when Greg called Cavan to come pick him up. I told him to leave Cavan alone because it was 2 in the morning, but Greg knew Cavan would come because he has a crush on him. Only Greg's pretending Cavan doesn't.

I was really drunk, as I mentioned before. I didn't remember this until Laura told me this earlier this evening and it's so hilarious. I mean, in a mean way.

I guess I was teasing Greg about Cavan, saying stuff like, "Cavan's so in love with you," and things. I mean, I was drunk. It was sort of unnecessary.

But this is the kicker. The reason I just wrote all of this. I was saying stuff like that, then went on with, "Yeah, Cavan wants you, Greg. He's got the hugest crush on you. He wants to bend you over a table and fuck you from behind."

Laura said she couldn't believe I'd said that--Greg's face went red and he had nothing to say, but I was so drunk I was completely oblivious.

I always say things when I'm drunk that I shouldn't.

But the other point is that when Laura said that to me, I got this mental picture of just that happening. And it's been there since she first said it three hours ago.

It's such a delicious picture.

I continue to wish I were a gay man.

I need to stop hanging out with them.